“The name’s Blonde. James Blonde…”
Today’s post is not about spies, action movies or scantily clad men walking out of oceans dramatically. It’s about hair. To be specific, blonde hair.
I have natural blonde locks. Untameable, but I like it nonetheless. However, much like the notorious stereotype, I have no common sense. I have done a lot of stupid things in my time. I’m not intellectually a moron, but I lack the ability to think sometimes.
So, here are some of my favourite blonde moments. As a close friend once declared, “Soph, you’re the smartest and also the stupidest person I know.”
Toddler sized me, my toddler sized mane and my big sister.
1. Turning up half an hour late to my AS Level English Language exam.
Rather than checking my exam timetable, I assumed the exam would be at half 1 like all my others. It just made sense. It was actually at 1. My teacher rang me asking where the hell I was, I ran to school (probably faster than I have ever run in my life) and long story short, I somehow got full marks despite the fact I spent the majority of the exam trying not to cry hysterically.
2. Going to an entirely different town on a date.
I was going on a date in Brighton a couple of years ago. He said, “I’ll pick you up in town.” Town to me was Horsham – a local place an hour away from Brighton. I thought it was kinda’ strange that he wanted to meet so far away, but I went regardless. I’ll never forget the pause after he rang me asking where I was, and the mild hysteria in the “Please don’t say that name again” when I said I waiting in Horsham.
Good old blondness.
3. The Soup Softener Incident
Once, me and my family were having Sunday lunch together. I was in charge of looking after the soup. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I thought soup needed butter when it was cooking.
“What are you doing?” My mother asked when I was carrying the packet out of the fridge.
“Softening the soup, of course.” I replied.
My family has never let me live this one down.
My hair nowadays.
4. Group Project Disaster Deadline
In my first year of University, we had to submit a group project together for one of my modules. The task itself was fine – nothing to worry about. However, I just assumed that only one of us needed to submit the project online. So I didn’t submit anything on deadline day.
Very luckily, there wasn’t too much of a problem, with it only being first year and the fact I had clearly done the work. I was just very, very, very blonde.
5. The Most Horrific Cartwheel of All Time
This one is almost too embarrassing to share. When I was seven and living in Houston, I was enrolled in a gymnastics club at my private school. (The place was shamelessly called the Honour Roll, and had a head teacher that loved pigs so much her office was decorated with them and we had a live farm yard visit every month). ANYWAY, I went to gymnastics all the time during school.
My mother’s motto was “if you don’t have it, you leave without it.” She had four kids to prepare every morning, you can’t blame her. One morning, I couldn’t find my pants. I thought of my mother’s motto – and I went to school without them. On gymnastics day. Wearing a dress.
Long story short, I flashed the entire gymnastics club, my mother was called to the principle’s office and child services were nearly called because when I was asked where the hell my pants were, I simply replied
“My mom says if I don’t have it, I have to leave the house without it.”
And that ladies and gentlemen, is the roundup of some of my most shameful blonde moments.